Time to Load the Car

Parents, I have seen your faces on move-in day as you unpacked the car, followed your child around as they picked up their information packets and meal cards, and met new roommates and faculty advisors. As I stood on the stage where I welcomed each new class as the Dean of Admissions to their college home, I’ve seen evidence of your undeniable pride, anticipation, sense of loss, and watery eyes. My eyes were often watery too.

I have also been in your shoes as the parent of a new college student.

Oprah Winfrey often asks her guests, “What do you know for sure?” After three decades of selective college admissions experience and even more years as a parent, there are a number of things I know for sure about how to best support and care for a new college student. This is not a comprehensive guide, just a good beginning.

• Set up a bank account in advance and talk with your child about how to manage money matters and pay a bill.
• Shop for all the necessities of dorm life in advance, although do not be surprised if you have a make a run to the local Target or CVS after you arrive to pick up a few forgotten things. Many colleges provide a list of suggested items to make living in a residence hall more comfortable.
• Does your child know how to do laundry and remove a stain?
• Do they know how to make a bed? It’s okay to carry around the mythical image of your child leaping out of bed each morning to make their bed; the truth is they may tidy up when you come to visit if you give them notice.
• Does your child know how to navigate an airport, train station or bus schedule?
• Does your child know how to manage any medications they take? Do they know the difference between an antihistamine, acetaminophen, and an antacid? Once on campus be sure it is clear where the source of medical care is located.

• New college students generally appreciate being independent and look forward to solving their own problems. If your child shares a problem with you take time to pause before coming to the rescue. Listen and encourage your child to share how they might handle the situation. The choices your young adult makes will be the best in their eyes and that’s enough for most situations.
• This is your child’s college experience, let them make up their mind about the people they meet and avoid passing judgement about situations or individuals unless asked directly.
• If a serious problem occurs involving your child’s safety, physical, or mental well-being you will naturally want to intervene. Even then, do not place a call to a college administrator, staff, or faculty member without talking to your child first. Remember that the institution’s ability to talk to you will be governed by FERPA and HIPPA regulations and whether your child has granted permission for parental access.
• A strong sense of resilience and self-sufficiency are among the most important qualities to nurture in your child before and during their college years and beyond. Know that concerns about the lack of resilience among so many of our college students is a top issue facing college communities today. The over-reliance on social media and instant communication with parents/friends to solve problems rather than looking for solutions within is taking a toll on our youth.

• The Creative College Connections workbook has a section on transitions and covers some great info finding resources on campus. Here are some of our favorites:
• During orientation there will probably be whole sessions devoted to advising, residential life, facilities, health care, financial aid, counseling services, safety, meal plans, student organizations, and library resources among many other things. The details can be overwhelming. Take time at the end of the day - and perhaps during future phone calls - to talk about all you learned about available resources. When in doubt, encourage your child to reach out to an administrator, faculty or staff member or seek advice from student staff often found in each residence hall. These staff expect questions so it may help to remind your child that all upper-class students were once first-year students too.
• Urge your young adult to find at least three places on campus where they feel comfortable. These might be related to a organization where like-minded people can be found, an academic space for studying, a residence hall, or a place to enhance their physical or spiritual well-being.
• I often encourage new college students not to take on too much all at once. Choose one activity that reflects an interest and offers pure enjoyment such as joining an acappella group, the intramural soccer team, debate club, a faith-based organization or exploring the student government structure to dig deeper into community politics.
• Find at least five people to reach out to for support and guidance. These might include a faculty member or advisor, residence hall staff, someone in a tutoring center, student organization leaders and, of course, new friends.
• The goal is to establish equilibrium and balance.
• Talk about transitions as a family. From time to time, big changes can be uncomfortable for everyone. Thankfully, the low moments are usually temporary and completely normal.

• You’ve unloaded the car, put the new sheets and comforter on the bed, hung things in the closet (perhaps the last time clothes will be placed on hangers), met your child’s roommate, done your best not to micromanage the move-in process, and now it is time to leave.
• Don’t fight your natural feelings as you say goodbye to your child - after all, they have been your focus and are about to strike out on their own.
• It’s okay to shed tears and show emotion in words and hugs. Be sure to offer a few words to express confidence that your gift to the world is ready to begin this exciting journey.

• This is the really hard part. Recognize that your young adult needs time to separate. Try your best to let your child reach out to you first (although I know you may want to text, call or FaceTime before you are even on the highway heading home!).
• Set up boundaries about how you will communicate. New college students often do not like unexpected interruptions so it may help to establish a weekly time to talk.
• As you work to reshape the way your family relates, there are bound to be many emotions, from loneliness and doubt to excitement and joy. Give yourself permission to adjust and perhaps even discover other interesting avenues to start your own new chapter.
• And finally, I recommend a glass of wine or two (or a beverage of your choice) from time to time with a spouse/partner or close friend you have been missing as you supported your child through the mammoth college admissions process. It is now time to relax and celebrate!